Potty Training in Our Happy House: Older Children

Today we welcome guest blogger Valerie from Momma in Progress who is sharing her Potty Training struggles, story and tips.  

In my pre-parenting fantasy of things that were never going to happen, having a three-year-old in diapers was pretty high on the list. And no way on God's green earth was I going to have a four-year-old who had yet to master the toilet.

Yet I did. And we both lived to tell about it.

Because I had easy success with potty training (I hate that term, but I still use it) our first child (Agent E) at age 2.5, I figured surely the second kid (Agent J), also a girl, who watched her big sister (and mother) use the toilet appropriately since before she could walk, would be even simpler, right?

Uh, not so much.

We first "tried" at age 2.5. But J didn't want to stop playing and sit down. J couldn't care less about being in a wet or soiled diaper. J had things to do, and I was messing with her agenda.

So, we backed off until after she turned three. Certainly the potty learning process would be more appealing to her now.

Wrong again.

I know what you're thinking, and yes, we tried that. And that. And that, too.

To Agent J, it made no difference whether we used cloth diapers, disposable diapers, pull-ups, underwear, or naked time. We tried shadowing her, having her sit on the potty predictable times each day, leaving a potty in whatever room she was playing in, letting her sit there for as little or as long as she wanted . . . even using a reward system, which we never did for anything else. (This did not impress her, by the way.)

So we put the whole process on hold. Again.

Then 3.5 came and went and Momma started getting a little twitchy. Most people we know had no idea she was still in diapers; they just assumed based on her age that she passed that hurdle. We already decided not to send her to preschool since we were homeschooling Agent E, but we couldn't have even if we wanted to, as being out of diapers was required.

I resigned to the fact that maybe she would just have to train herself. Perhaps she would magically decide one day that enough was enough and give it a completely self-motivated try.

This did not happen.

About a week before her fourth birthday we decided to plunge into the idea of diaper-free Julia once again. We had recently shipped most of our household goods (including all of our rugs) and so we were down to tile floors and minimal stuff. We were preparing to leave Italy in a few weeks and dreaded the thought of returning to the states with no progress. And quite honestly Momma was over the two in diapers thing. (E and J overlapped for 10 months; J and our third baby, Agent A, were going on 18 months at that point.)

We developed a plan: No diapers during the day (only at bedtime). Potty stays out in the family room or whatever room she's spending the most time in. Potty breaks at regular (we chose two-hour) intervals. Special Princess Underwear if she peed in the potty; plain boring underwear following accidents. Lots of positive reinforcement, praise, and rewards. (No; I don't think those things are evil, and even though prizes as motivation hadn't always worked in the past, we were a tad desperate.) 

The first day we only had one success, and day two we had zero. But . . . by day four we had more successes than misses and she realized she had to go even if it wasn't a designated "time." By day seven we could see the light, so to speak. We knew there would be no "let's give up, this is not working" this time. We were well on our way to having another Agent out of diapers.

There was nothing really magical about this plan; in fact, these were all very similar tactics from previous failed attempts. However, this time, it worked! Not right away, but we stuck with it and made steady progress over the next few weeks.Why now? Was she was simply doing things on her own timeline, and her "readiness" (whatever that is) just happened to correspond to my desperation? Perhaps. Maybe no matter what I did (or did not do) Agent J still would have been one of the 2% of children (if you believe statistics) who don't master independent toilet skills until after their fourth birthday.

Honestly, though, I believe it was the combination of her being "ready" and me taking it seriously. I think I had been too wishy-washy and too willing to give up too quickly when things hadn't gone well in the past. I became overwhelmed with Agent A's toddler-ness, and I wasn't focused on helping her the way I had been with Agent E. And she needed my help. Julia might not have been independently "motivated" for another year. She needed a little coaxing. She needed this to be a team effort. She needed me to take charge a bit. And I don't see anything wrong with that.

She was almost 4.5 by the time we were completely confident that we were "done" with the training part, had stopped night time diapers, and had stopped worrying about having extra clothes/towels constantly with us at our disposal. She turns five next week, so that was only about 6-7 months ago. And it already seems like a distant memory.

What I learned: Don't wait for a "good" time, because there may never be one. I'd been warned not to start too early or too close to a major event. She showed signs of interest just before Agent A was born (at just shy of 2.5) and I ignored them, because no one in their right mind starts potty training their toddler when they're 36 weeks pregnant, right? Looking back, I should have just ran with it then.

What did not help: Listening to stories about how other parents trained their kids by [insert random age here]. Ridiculous commenting threads that always have that one troll who "doesn't understand" how anyone could "let" this happen. People who suggested I should have used EC from the beginning because it worked so well for them. (Um, I'll let you know when I get that time machine up and running.) Books and articles that implied I would cause psychological damage by putting a little verbal "big girl" pressure on her. Mothers of older children making condescending statements how they wished they were in the potty days again. Anyone who voiced a tired version of, "don't worry, it will happen," "she won't go to college in diapers," or "she will learn when she is ready." 

Because when it's you, and you're on diaper duty 10-12 times a day between two kids, and you're washing cloth diapers every 48 hours, and you've had to change a child standing up in the bathroom stall one too many times because no changing table in the world is designed for a kid that big, and all of your friends' kids the same age have been out of diapers for over a year, you don't really give a flying chipmunk about such drivel. You are just. so. over. it.

What I will do differently with Agent A: We have had a potty chair out at our new house since we moved in ten months ago, and just this week Agent A has started using it. When I see him taking an interest, I encourage it. Of course, we have a ways to go . . . I don't expect quick results, and if nothing happens I'm not going to stress. But, I'm going to see where his obvious curiosity leads. And if need be, nudge him in that direction.

Did you potty train an "older" child? What worked for you? What kind of (good or bad) advice did you hear?

Thanks for reading and have a blessed day.  Valerie is a Navy wife and homeschooling Momma to three Secret Agents. She loves coffee, chocolate, and all things Disney. Find her blogging about her parenting and child-led education adventures at Momma in Progress and connect with her on Facebook.

Thank you Valerie for sharing your struggles with us, I'm sure there are many that can relate! I would LOVE to share your Potty Training Stories and Tips.  You can email me at Lindsey@Happyhouseof5.com today.  

You can catch up on the other posts in the series here:

Potty Training in Our Happy House: Train in 3 days

Potty Training Tips and Tools

Potty Training in Our Happy House: It's a Stage by The Koala Bear Writer 
Potty Training in Our Happy House: When ready doesn't come by Spectrum of Blessings
Potty Training in Our Happy House: Training by Personality Type from Naps and Roadmaps