Please welcome today's guest blogger Gianina from
Naps and Roadmaps, as she shares "Potty Training by Personality Type".
Before I start espousing "wisdom" about potty training, let me just say that as I write this, my two-year old is on a pooping strike and I am at my wit's end. This is particularly frustrating to me a holistic family physician, because I dish advice about this crap (pun intended) all the time. What I've learned, is that being in the trenches with your fellow parents is often the best place to be. Sometimes commiseration is more valuable than advice with some degree attached to it. I happen to be both, a professional and a parent at the end of her potty training rope.
I have never been a big fan of the one-size-fits-all approach. I'm a holistic person at my core and so when it came to potty training my first-born, I was instantly frustrated by what seems like a "Do this and this will happen" approach to potty training. After once again questioning my own ability to parent effectively, my training kicked in. I realized that my daughter, according to Chinese Medical Theory (my area of training), is a "Water type." Basically this makes her one of the hardest personality types to train. Once I considered what her challenges and motivating factors were, I went to work with a whole new approach and a much better attitude.
- The star in the center simply shows how all elements are connected and has no other meaning whatsoever.
I'd like to share my personality type approach to potty training in the hope that it will help you identify the personality type of your own child and in doing so, a more holistic and targeted approach to take for your unique child. Over 2,00 years ago, the Chinese based their medical theory on the patterns of nature and how different people responded to their environments. In Chinese Medicine, we categorize people into 5 basic types, Fire, Earth, Metal, Water and Wood. There are many variations under these sub headings, but for these purposes we can keep it simple. Today, we might identify these types as Impulse-Driven, Sensory-Oriented, Goal-Directed, Internalizing and Strong-Willed personality types. I encourage you to read about all 5 types as most people fit into at least two categories. As such, you may find it useful to employ strategies and tips from two or more personality types.
FIRE CHILD (Impulse-driven)
Identifying Characteristics:
- excitable
- energetic
- life of the party (class/playgroup)
- charming
- exhausting
- into everything
- easily distracted
- risk taker
- physically capable
- outgoing
- pleasure seeker
- dreamer
- emotionally unpredictable
- endless energy, then crashes
- why baby-proofing was invented
- rarely sits still
- rough and tumble
- never upset long
- happy
- lives in the moment
Potty Training Challenges:
- hard to keep them interested in potty training
- they don't like to sit still
- they have trouble waiting on the potty for the body to "go"
- tend to not feel challenged by potty training as an activity
- don't like to stop what they are doing to go to the potty
- may have accidents because they don't want to stop what they are doing to go
Approach:
- set a routine based on their elimination schedule and follow it consistently
- call attention to your toilet habits and show them what you do
- explain that using the potty must come before play (Ex: we go to the potty then we can go to the playground)
- don't ask if they have to go, tell them when it is time
- treat using the potty as a non-negotiable like bedtime and brushing teeth
- have several potty chairs so you can catch them in the act and get them back to their "activity" faster
- be prepared to watch their habits and signs of needing to go by following and watching them closely
- allow naked time to help create awareness for them
EARTH CHILD (Sensory-Oriented)
Identifying Characteristics:
- people-pleaser
- helpful
- very social
- reliable
- social butterfly
- good eater/sweet tooth
- sensitive to their environment
- worrier
- accommodating
- seeks comfort
- busy body
- peacemaker
- caregiver
- clingy
- legalistic
- easily disappointed
- friendly
- teacher's pet
- emotionally sensitive
- kind-hearted
Potty Training Challenges:
- child may need their fears about the process and the physical sensations addressed and reassured over and over
- may get stuck on one part of the process such as flushing the toilet, pooping or wiping due to fear, worry or a dislike of the sensation
- because they are motivated to please you, your reaction to accidents can make or break the process
- even neutral reactions to accidents can cause setbacks as the child may be worried they have let you down or that you will be disappointed or angry
- encouragement or direction that feels pushy can cause them to overload on worry and create setbacks, or "holding it," which can cause constipation issues or upset tummies
Approach:
- ease in and don't push as readiness is most critical with this type
- verbally address every possible concern
- stay empathetic, especially during accidents
- let them explore the process and the "tools" in their own way in their own timing
- do not build it up as a big deal, make it seem commonplace and normal to reduce the pressure
- model the correct toilet behavior and habits in front of them
- allow "dress rehearsals" (with clothes if need be) to inspire confidence
- describe all sensations so they are expected and seem normal
- give plenty of praise for attempts as well as success
- do not compare them to other children and especially not to other siblings
- treat accidents like they are no big deal
METAL CHILD (Goal-directed)
Identifying Characteristics:
- perfectionist
- rule follower
- sees things in black and white
- inflexible
- rigid
- orderly
- high standards
- truth seeker
- disciplined
- even-tempered
- organized
- efficient
- likes order and control
- can be detached
- not easily ruffled
- light to be right
- high principles
- single-minded
- neat
- focused
Potty Training Challenges:
- these kids have excellent focus, but the object is always of their choosing
- when potty training becomes their focus they can be very easy to train (these are the "potty trained in 1 day" kids)
- due to their motivation to please their parents, the wrong reaction to accidents can cause a major setback (think weeks or more)
- waiting until they are ready is absolutely necessary or it will be an exhausting fight
- patience on your part is paramount
- avoid power struggles, you can't force them
Approach:
- capitalize on their desire to accomplish tasks by getting them interested in making this one of their chosen goals
- explain all the steps and what is expected
- no amount of detail is too much
- have them practice each step
- cater to their curiosities
- a temporary reward system (no more than 3 days) may work, but can also backfire by turning into a bidding war
- no amount of verbal praise is too much
- these kids thrive on a schedule so keep a very consistent routine until they set one for themselves
WATER CHILD (Internalizing)
Identifying Characteristics:
- sensible
- cautious
- watchful
- modest
- careful
- curious
- serious
- phobic
- fussy
- shy
- clever
- self-sufficient
- solitary
- thoughtful
- pensive
- stubborn
- uncompromising
- prudent
- perceptive
- adapt slowly
Potty Training Challenges:
- child will need to evaluate everything many times before considering trying the potty, so give them time.
- they must feel comfortable and safe before attempting new things
- may need to see both parents and several friends do it before trying it themselves
- may put up a fight over fear not disobedience
- may want to wear a diaper sometimes even after some success on the potty, which may help their process
- may not admit it when they need to go or have had an accident
- peeing and pooping are totally separate hurdles so take them one at a time
- extreme fear or resistance is a sign that more time and explanation is needed
- you may need to take a few weeks off between attempts and major setbacks
- you can not, under any circumstances, force them
Approach:
- allow observation of both parents before you officially start the training process
- take an honest look at yourself and your ability to show your child a lot of patience
- provide repeated and exhaustive explanations of the process and how it works, not why they must do it
- change all diapers from now on in the bathroom to get them comfortable in there
- dump poop from their diapers into the toilet and explain that this is where it goes
- encourage small steps like hand washing in the bathroom and flushing the toilet for mom or dad
- control your reactions to accidents and keep your response kind and neutral
- put your goals, comparisons and expectations to rest and accept your child and their pace as unique
WOOD CHILD (Goal-directed)
Identifying Characteristics:
- decisive
- assertive
- A-type
- motivated
- resourceful
- cunning
- independent
- explorer
- hard worker
- leader
- self-confident
- ambitious
- inflexible
- optimistic
- hot-tempered
- problem solver
- stubborn
- easily frustrated
- moody
- always busy
Potty Training Challenges:
- these kids want to control everything and everyone
- forcing your timing and your methods may cause World War 3
- their confidence is based on achievements, so accidents can cause setbacks due to upset and perceived failure
- biggest challenge is "selling" the idea of potty training to them
- potty training needs to seem like their idea and not your agenda
- you can not force them to do it if they don't want to
- help them understand that accidents do not mean they have failed
- keep your reactions to accidents neutral and do not condemn
- trying to teach a lesson during an emotional thunderstorm is pointless
Approach:
- if you can get these kids interested in potty training, they may do it all themselves
- set goals they can understand and easily achieve to build confidence
- make them think they are in control of the process by letting them tell you when they need to go or choosing their own potty chair/seat
- rewards aren't needed since achieving the goal is their prize
- do not cater to or cave under emotional outbursts, hit pause and start again later
- be ready to be as resolved and determined as they are (this may mean middle of the night potty trips and lots of stops while out and about)
- avoid power struggles
- don't try to break them, your goal is to motivate them
- be ready for them to tell you they are done with diapers and only want underwear before you've even thought about starting potty training
Final Thoughts
- Be aware of your own personality and don't try to potty train your child they way you were trained or the way that is most appealing to your personality type. Adjust to their style.
- Take the readiness signs seriously. Starting before they are ready is frustrating for you, upsetting for them and makes the whole process longer.
- Be prepared to start over a few times.
- Do a gut check about how you and your spouse, partner or other caregiver respond to accidents and disappointments. Make sure you get overreactions in check. There will be accidents and your reaction tells your child a lot about how you feel about their progress.
- Be honest about why you want to potty train now. Is your child ready or is everyone else you know doing it? Comparison is never a good reason to start.
By the time I finished crafting this post (whew!), our daughter has given up the poop strike and we are accident free for the last several days. She is even making it through most nights dry! This is a relief you can't imagine (or maybe you can) after months and months of temper tantrums, power struggles, do overs, start overs, set backs and accidents. My point? Potty training is a process. No matter which kind of child you have, be ready to let them grow, mature, fail and succeed in their own time. No one ever went to college in a diaper and our children's college days will come far sooner than any of us will like. Teaching your children that you love them just as they are will provide more than a pleasant potty training experience, it will make for a rewarding relationship that will last a lifetime.
Gianina Knoth, AP, LMT is a licensed and nationally board certified acupuncture physician, master of oriental medicine and licensed massage therapist specializing in family medicine. She has studied Fredudian, Jungian, Traditional Chinese Medical and Five Element Archetypal psychology on the graduate and post-gradual level. When she's not wrangling her munchkins, she can be found at her clinic, with her nose firmly buried in a book or counting the minutes until she has a minute with her better half.
Thanks so much for sharing with us Gianina, it was so interesting to read about the different personality types and compare them to each of my girls. I would love to have YOU share your Potty Training story and tips, email me at Lindsey@Happyhouseof5.com today.
You can catch up on the other posts in the series here:
